Welcome back to 100 Dates in Houston, a dating blog series chronicling my journey to go on 100 dates in Houston, Texas to find the love of my life. If you’re new here, start with my intro post, explaining the details of this challenge. Today, I share more about my experiences with ghosting and what it means when you’re ghosted. Enjoy!

Unfortunately,  I’ve fallen a bit behind in documenting my 100 dates journey for you all – but not without good reason! Friends, the last third of 2024 was quite the challenge for me.  In addition to my practice, I took on a full-time job to help with my new homeowner expenses — it nearly took me out! 😩  After working for myself for the past 7 years, enjoying the freedoms of remote work and self-leadership, suddenly, I found myself catapulted back into the 9-5 life, complete with a one-hour commute, a set schedule and the absolute worst boss I’ve ever worked with.  

Needless to say, there was little time or energy to date.  There was even less time to write.  

But I’m still committed! I’ll bring you all up to speed and wrap up my 2024 dating journey in my next two posts. 

We left off with date #33, Mr. Confidence. He was my first ghost for the summer of 2024, but (spoiler alert) he wouldn’t be the last!

Date #34

I met date #34 on a hot summer day in August.  My homegirl and I were enjoying dinner at Thai Cafe in Downtown Houston and happened to have the restaurant to ourselves.  As I chatted with her, taking in the last of my pad see ew, in walked two Black men. Their presence caught our attention.  One was tall – over 6 feet – with a solid build, glasses and rich brown skin. I smiled as he passed me on his way in.

The two gentlemen made conversation with us, asking about the menu and slowly transitioning to other pleasantries. I noticed a West African accent and asked the men where they were from to avoid the risk of guessing incorrectly. The tall one proudly informed us that he was from Ghana.

I shared with The Ghanaian how his country had been one of my favorite destinations during my nomad journey two years earlier.  His eyes instantly lit up, and shortly after, he offered to buy a glass of wine for my friend and me. Sipping on our drinks, the four of us connected, discussing their country and our new city, Houston. I sensed that The Ghanaian was well-traveled, down-to-earth, and with good sense, so when he asked for my number that evening, I gladly obliged. 

Persian Luxury

Shortly after meeting, The Ghanaian and I had a few phone conversations and eventually, arranged our first date.  He sent me three options – I always appreciate when men do that. 

I settled on Rumi’s Kitchen – a contemporary Persian restaurant in the Galleria. I had been once before with a friend and knew it brought luxurious vibes where the lovergirl in me would flourish. (If you’re new here and unfamiliar with feminine archetypes or what I mean by “lovergirl”, check out this post.).  

I arrived (almost) on time and texted my date to let him know I had arrived. He texted me back, letting me know he would be about fifteen minutes late. By now, you should all know I’m in no position to complain about a mere fifteen minutes of tardiness. I told The Ghanaian to take his time and that I would wait for him at the bar.

When my date arrived, he appeared a bit agitated but quickly shifted to be present with me.  He invited me to order whatever I liked – as much as I liked.  

Shoot, Ain’t gotta tell me twice, I thought to myself. 

We filled up on small plates and I ordered my favorites two times each, the lamb ribs and the corn ribs, followed by the SS poet, their signature Bourbon cocktail. I love dates with no limits.  

As we dined, The Ghanaian shared that his last relationship had ended five months prior.  He wasn’t necessarily looking for anything serious, but would still be open to the possibility.  I noted the yellow flag.  

He also shared that he’d been born into a political family and had been considering running for office back home in Ghana.  Dating a diplomat? 🤔 On the surface, the notion was intriguing — but Auntie Michelle (Obama) has already warned us.  It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I filed this information away along with the rest of his dating data.

Lofty Plans

Although The Ghanaian seemed a bit weighed down as he discussed his job which had been taking a toll on him, we connected well enough for a first date. I liked that we could discuss topics of world-culture, investing, and travel.  I would be open to a second date.

And apparently, so was he.  At the night’s end, The Ghanaian proudly professed he already had our next five dates planned. I’ve become a bit of a cynic in my old age and I rarely get excited about what a man says he will do. 

I smiled and replied “Ok. We’ll see.”   

cASPER, THE friendly ghost

I’m not a woman who applies many rules to dating.  I mostly do what I feel and follow my intuition. Arbitrary advice like “never text a man first” means little to me. So the next afternoon after our date, I texted The Ghanaian.

“Just finished my leftovers from last night. 😊 Hope today is a little better than last week.” 

He texted back quickly. We bantered throughout the day and planned to connect later that evening.  

As promised, I followed up with The Ghanaian that night after my gym session.  But instead of an enthusiastic reply, I received radio silence. 

Maybe he fell asleep? I gave my date the benefit of the doubt and expected to hear from him the next day  – or even the days after. 

However, five days later, his message still hadn’t come through. He’d become a ghost. 

I admit it. I can be a bit proud sometimes—especially when it comes to dating. God ain’t through with me yet. 🙃 I’m not one to double text. Silence is sound in my world and no response is a clear response. 

But I also don’t like to have questions unanswered.  I wanted to know what had caused the shift from “I have our next five dates planned” to radio silence. It wasn’t that I was devastated by the loss of this potential connection, but that my curiosity (or overthinking) often gets the best of me. Had I done something wrong?

So I texted him.

“Hope you’re ok. I’m guessing you changed your mind about those five dates? 

The Ghanaian replied that there had been no change of heart at all but that he’d been preoccupied with family in town, and his mother being unwell.

Appreciative of the clarity and willing to be graceful, I offered my prayers for his mother. 

We texted once or twice after that exchange. I remained friendly and open, but exerted no effort or energy.  The Ghanaian would need to pursue me. As things often do when men are unready or unserious, the connection fizzled. 

What does ghosting mean?

My story with the Ghanaian is a good reminder that although ghosting can often feel like rejection, it’s not personal.  Often, a person may let go of a connection, because they lack the capacity to sustain it for one reason or another.  And instead of communicating, they ghost because they lack the awareness, thoughtfulness, or courage to communicate their lack of capacity. 

But what if they ghost because they really aren’t interested in me? 

It’s still not personal. Connections fade for many reasons. Visions don’t align. Sparks don’t fly. Or maybe you unknowingly mis-stepped and turned them off.  But none of that reflects your God-given worth or value.  None of it means you’re undeserving of partnership. 

Personalizing other people’s behavior is human, but it’s also problematic.  In the therapy world, we call it a “cognitive distortion” – or “thinking error”. 

I would need to remember all of this for date #35, The Youngin’. I’ll drop his post tomorrow to make up for all the time I missed.  Stay tuned!

How do you respond to ghosting? Where does your mind go? Do you allow dates to come back from the dead after they’ve ghosted you? Let’s hear it in the comments!